Lived updates

There’s this idea that’s been floating around my head and my life for a while that I’ve been trying to find a good name for. The experience I want to capture is: sometimes I deliberately update my belief about something, like “I can trust people more” or “I can feel good about wearing a crop top,” and that changes my system 2 attitude about it, but I still need to have some lived experiences supporting/validating that belief for me to truly be able to internalize it. For instance, letting people into my life more and being able to grow from those experiences or actually wearing crop tops and feeling really comfortable in them. So the name I’ve landed on for that (for now) is lived update, which is a combination of the terms lived experience and belief update. I think it’s somewhat evocative, but I don’t know if it’s the one! Another way to put it is that you change the way you think about something, but it takes something more for your actual belief about that thing to change.

Kind of as an aside, I think these lived updates can come from so many places. One thing that I realized while moving my clothes from the washer to the dryer is that mundane activities can teach you profound lessons. For instance, I think waiting for a timer or alarm to go off is actually quite analogous to living with the knowledge of your own death, and being more ok with backtracking (or the feeling of backtracking) during a walk can be a helpful exercise in identity and humility. A grain of sand contains the entire universe ☺️

Kilroy was here

I fluctuate between wanting to obsessively chronicle everything, and hating getting photos of myself taken + trying to “live in the moment.” In case it’s not super obvious by my recent blog posts, right now I’m in the former state, after maybe a few years in the latter.

I’ve realized that the desire to make an impact on the world can manifest in smaller ways than a choice of career path, like when I went on vacation and realized that the only/main way I could “leave a mark” on a place that felt meaningful and transformative to me was to take a bunch of photos. I don’t think that’s the main reason other people take photos in a place, but I also know that I’m not alone in wanting to touch the places and things and people that have touched me. (That’s why Kilroy existed! That’s probably also a big reason why this blog exists…)

Part of this shift is probably me getting older, and more than that, being on the precipice of another major shift in my life (college graduation). In 2014, the year I graduated from NCSSM and started my freshman year at Princeton, I set a goal to post a photo every day so I could remember what I thought would be an eventful year in my life. I don’t know if 2014 was particularly more eventful than the years following it, but I looked back on the photos recently and felt a huge wave of nostalgia. The gestalt of a photo album or subset of one can really capture the feeling of life at the time. And for someone who has a bad memory of her past self, reviewing the photos reminded me that I wasn’t as bad as I thought 🙂. This is all to say that one of my 2019 New Year’s resolutions has been to make a similar photo album (I found out yesterday that you can add videos as well!) as another time capsule that I can review later.

[Video] Link to me talking about mono no aware + other things

Hi all! I figured I would post the link to this “video” on my blog since it basically is just an unedited oral blog post. I recorded the audio around two weeks ago and just posted it. I enjoyed making it, and I will probably continue to use this media format for topics that are more difficult to write about concisely. Maybe I can live out my dream of making a podcast/radio program? 😊

I feel that I am in a period of many changes in my life.

(click on the video for some more context + helpful links in the description!)

Why I stopped identifying as a rationalist

I’ve told this story to a few people in person, but I wanted to write it out because honestly I just wanted to challenge myself to say something that many people I know may disagree with.

Some background on how I got into rationality and my experience being a rationalist: Michael introduced me to LessWrong and Slate Star Codex when we “met” in October 2014. I became more interested in rationality because I wasn’t happy with myself and was getting more into self improvement around this time (during my freshman year). I attended a CFAR workshop during the summer of 2015 (the summer after freshman year). I became friends with a few rationalists and came to know quite a few others through Facebook, mutual friends, and various other random things (posting on the Princeton class pages looking for other rationalists, attending EAG in 2016).

I don’t want to pretend that I’m a super complicated person or try to construct a narrative that might be more compelling to others — the one “event” that made me stop identifying as a rationalist was my experience volunteering at a CFAR workshop in March 2017. I hadn’t been really involved in the rationalist community since getting into rationality, but I wanted to become more connected to the community, so one of my goals for my gap year was to volunteer at a CFAR workshop, as a stepping stone into the community.

The general thing I felt that really hurt me during the workshop was how many of the people in the community (mostly the instructors and mentors, maybe some of the participants) seemed to not treat me and others as human beings. I felt that I wasn’t valued or respected in many ways, whereas people who had more obvious things to offer to AI risk/etc. were. I can understand why this is true and why they would treat some people more preferentially, but the fact is that I need a community where I feel valued and respected.

One thing that made me feel really unappreciated was that one of the instructors didn’t know my name after several days, and didn’t provide a reason, apologize, or even make an excuse for not knowing my name. It doesn’t seem like a big deal, but I felt hurt because I was already feeling debased to an extent as a result of the ops/logistics work I was doing, and it just felt like this person wasn’t even acknowledging let alone appreciating my help. I felt so upset about this that I went to the bathroom and cried after this happened (and after trying to rationalize it to myself for a few moments). I feel like this incident tapped into my insecurities about not being competent. In particular, the fact that I wasn’t perceived as being able to provide skills to further rationalist causes meant to me that I wasn’t even important enough for someone to learn my name. And the fact that I had looked up to this person and it felt like I was just…nothing to them.

Another thing that I remember was some of the mentors (? I think) discussing how to basically win over one of the participants (who they saw as potentially “high value”). Again, it makes sense from their perspective why they would want to do this (which…of course it does), but it just felt inappropriate and honestly just unfair to the other participants. And hearing this helped me put some of my negative experiences from the CFAR workshop I attended (that I initially wrote off because my self confidence was not good) into perspective.

There were probably some other things along these lines that colored my opinion, but these are two that stick out. But I do want to mention that I have some positive memories (and one really positive memory) from the workshop, and I know that not everyone in the rationalist community views people in those kinds of terms, but since volunteering for this workshop, I’ve no longer felt a desire to become a part of the rationalist community.

I think another factor in my mental shift was having just experienced some deep human connections during my time at the Recurse Center (thank you Glen and SJ in particular!) a few months prior, and both strongly preferring that type of interaction and feeling that I could find a community where I could fit in and feel appreciated and respected.